New Year: Unresolved

I'm searching for the words to convey my experiences of the moment. The fact is, there are not many experiences that I want to put into words. Not to belittle them, but more that to form these lines around them seems at odd with the purity of the happenings. Right now I feel struck by the perfection of leaving things for all that they are.

Things are happening. Just as every day, things happen. That, in essence, is all. These daily experiences are beautiful and poignant. But they do not stand out from other beautiful, poignant times.

These current days are not spiced with revelation as they have so often been these past years, but they are none the less perfect.

I see in the year with my sister. This, of course, is special. In three weeks we have already grown closer. We've shared delights and sorrows that would otherwise have been difficult to communicate. We look different, we behave differently, we eat different things and pass our time in different ways. But our eyes are the same shape. Our voices the same tone. And that secret cave of comfort, that past world of soft memory and mother's food, is shared.

Despite Emily's strong presence, I am undergoing a period of unrest. Starting from that moment at the lake when I became captured in the strong winds swirling me away from my Guatemalan home, I have continued to feel unsettled. I feel keenly the lack of roots that defines my life right now.

I realised back in June that mindless travel no longer meets my needs, and yet with the lack of any clear direction I find myself still caught in that swirl. I am content to observe the restlessness and move with it until it stops. I feel like I am riding the bumpy journey with style and a strong core.

But the New Year has brought in a shift in perception that manifests itself as a degree of urgency, and to that I must pay the most careful of attention.

The world continues to bring me what I need in the most enjoyable of ways. Money is tight; indeed, there is little left of what I earned back in London… not surprising, really, considering I left almost three years ago. But I am offered a role in a mobile phone commercial based largely on an inane streetdance routine. It seems bizarre to have called this into my life, but having danced my way through Costa Rica and Panama over the festive season it makes some sense that I am offered work in this form.

But there is still something I need to find before I stop again. And I know that now, in this strange turbulence, is when I need to be most alert, for I will not know what it is until it appears.