Rainbow realisations

"Today I am neither a warrior nor a diablero. For me there is only the travelling on the paths that have a heart, on any path that may have a heart.  There I travel, and the only worthwhile challenge is for me to traverse its full length.  And there I travel, looking, looking, breathlessly."

The Teachings of Don Juan, Carlos Castaneda.

I am walking in the Parque Central when the woman stops me, asks me if I speak Spanish.  When I say yes, she begins the interrogation.  Name, nationality, vital stats.  Why I am only wearing one earring.  "I hadn't noticed," I reply. 

She is excited by our meeting and I do not know why.  Without doing anything I seem to be satisfying her.

I say I am going to eat and she tells me she will accompany me.  I agree because I think she might say something that I could interpret as divine instruction, and right now I need some help with my decision making. 

We eat quickly and force conversation, and by the end of it I am searching my mind for questions to ask this strange woman.  She has no children and lives with her aunts.  She has never been outside of Veracruz state. 

I feel that familiar embarrassment edging over my face as I explain my story.  I don't know why, but I feel ashamed of my money, especially as in my own head I have very little. 

To them, I am rich.  How many nuances within perception.

I ask for the bill and I see her eyes dart over to me.  I can see where this one is going, so I put down the money for my own meal and push the cheque over to her.  She looks up at me and I stand, quickly, and kiss her goodbye.  "Que te vayas bien, amiga."  Go thee well.

Although I seem to have pleased the woman, the awkwardness of the impromptu dinner makes me feel uncomfortable and  I realise I'm slightly lonely.  I can't understand why I crave my space so much, and then feel lost when I have it.

I wander through the square, dulled by low cloud.  It has finally stopped raining.  People stare at me, as they always do in these kind of towns.  I must be the only blonde they've seen in months. 

My clothes are beginning to dry.  I'm not quite sure how to entertain myself next.  And then it hits me. 

I think I've done enough random wandering.

It is a revelation.  I believed I would travel forever, the eternal nomad.  Of course, I'm certainly not ready to return to England, but the idea of trading my backpack for a wardrobe, building a nest, seems heavenly in comparison to my bare hotel room. 

It is blindingly obvious now I think about it.  My reasons for travelling were largely to do with finding purpose.  Remember - remove all purpose from my life in order to reveal the true calling?  Well perhaps I've found it. Or some of it.

It no longer seems so necessary to break boundaries and do things that no one else has.  There was a time when I chose to study Physics, because I wanted to become an astronaut.  Not because of a deep desire to be on the moon, but because of a deep desire to do something no one else had ever done. 

But I realise now that I am doing that, every day.  No one else does what I do, in the way I do it.  I see how I touch people without even intending to, and its not me that does it, its whatever I represent to that person.  To the woman in the town square, I could be a manifestation of her dream to travel.  I could be an exotic friend, or a child to care for.  I haven't done anything and yet I'm now part of her story.

Its not about marking yourself as special, its about recognising your talents and using them to better consciousness.  All of this journey has been about finding my little ripple on the world but as I am the one making the ripple, not feeling it, how could I ever sense it?

Half a rainbow hovers uncertainly over the town.  Here it is called arcoiris.  Arcoiris… I roll the word around my tongue, thinking about that face of nature I identify with the most.  If I were likened to anything I would like it to be to one of these.

Rainbows are entire circles, the other being hidden behind the horizon.  They are formed in restless conditions, the elements coming together in a sparkling, snatched spectrum, enlightening observers in brief seconds before fading away to nothingness.  Shifting from place to place, cloud to cloud.  Sun and rain, air and earth, bound by colour.

Visible without ever actually existing.  As the townspeople continue to stare at me I resonate with the rainbow even more deeply.

The true triumph in my journey is this absence of urgency or desire I feel now.  I have, for the moment, stopped seeking and started being.  Literally and figuratively, other than this brief sojourn to Mexico, I have entered a phase of stillness.  I am at peace with where I am and where I am going.

Like the rainbow, I appear and disappear quickly back into non-existence.  But if I can momentarily lead people up into the sky and back down again, then I could say I've found my purpose.