Paper sailboats

Its my birthday. I'm making a wish.



I wish I'd written down all the wishes through my life. A line of past Julias jostle for attention as they whisper their deepest desires.

As a child, I didn't understand them, and they didn't understand me. I just wanted black hair.

As a teenager, nothing quite fit. I wished only to be the same as everyone else.

Later, I wished to be different.

When I was 18 someone told me about Taoism, and for a while I wished that everything would just carry on being as it was supposed to be.

When I was 19, my mom died and my first love broke my heart. I wished that life was supposed to be something else.

At 21 the drama faded into peace. I wished that I could always stay grounded like this.

At 24 I spent days in front of a computer screen and ages dreaming about sex. I wore tight suits and wished for the day when I could call myself free.

At 25 I shed my skins and sought adventure. I wished for coincidences, and mystery, and teachers.

At 26 I realised I had no idea what I was doing. I wished for clarity on the wandering path of the lost.

And now, at 27, I am suddenly content. I survey my kingdom and find it wholesome. If I look, really look, I have found my heaven.

I send my wishes away on paper sailboats that bob across the lake, falling apart in its watery hands. My thoughts get carried away and Fucking Hell I realise I'm in paradise. And now it's my birthday and I find myself searching for something to wish for. It feels somehow foolish to wish for anything more.

And so I wish that I should always be able to see my world like this, in the golden light that falls with joy. For it is my choice to see my heaven or to not; it is always there, beautiful, waiting. The veils of time and circumstance simply tint my view with emotion, and I need only peel them apart.

I wish that I might hold that picture for a while, gently looking. And then I wish to forever remember that here, in this precious corner of paradise, in a lake lost in the clouds, I have been truly happy.